When and How Should I Contact My Ex?

When it comes to a breakup, there's a right way to do everything. Especially when making that important first contact.

Unfortunately, there are also a thousand wrong ways.

Contact Your Ex

When your ex isn't talking to you, or responding to communication, you need to be very careful.

Doing nothing is often better than doing 'something' just for the sake of it. Some people will reach out to an ex boyfriend or girlfriend at the wrong time, or even worse, say all the wrong things. And instead of making things better, they make them infinitely worse.

Not only can your ex ignore these attempts at contact, but they might even resent them. Your ex could see you as weak or insecure. They might be be turned off, and see you as totally undesirable.

In many cases, these people would've been better off if they'd done nothing.

Having good intentions just isn't enough. You can't call or text an ex and think you can shoot from the hip, or merely say "what's in your heart". Because all that good stuff you're dying to tell them? Your ex isn't interested in hearing ANY of it right now.

Putting Yourself Back in Your Ex's Head Again

Before you can contact your ex, he or she will need to be thinking about you again. You want them thinking about your relationship, and the good times you had together.

In short, you want them nostalgic. This gives you the best possible chance of a positive response when you finally do talk to them again.

There are 3 key reconnection techniques that can help accomplish this. Know what they are, and learn which one (or more) of them is right for your particular breakup scenario.

No matter how you make contact, you'll need to move slowly. Any sudden moves will scare your ex away. You don't want your ex to feel pressured, or uncomfortable, or like you're pushing them to make a decision. The more desperate you sound? The worse off you'll be.

Knowing the Right Time to Make First Contact

Reversing any breakup takes both effort and timing. The effort part we'll talk about later. Right now, let's talk about when to get back in touch with your ex again.

For starters, you'll need to have waited long enough for your ex to start missing you. This can take anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks, depending on how confident your boyfriend or girlfriend was when they ended the relationship.

Luckily there are ways to speed this process up. Ways you can undermine your ex's confidence, with something as simple as this opening move.

Your ex will miss you ONLY once you've gone away. This means you need to cut THEM loose for a while. Thinking about texting your ex? Don't do it. Considering a "just checking to see how you're doing" phone call? Not a chance. You need to absolutely, positively disappear from your ex's life if you want them to start missing you again. Because like the song says "how can I miss you if you won't go away?"

Best Times of Day to Call an Ex

When it comes down to making contact, there are specific times that work better than others. Remember: you want to catch your ex when he or she is most susceptible. Most vulnerable. Most open to hearing from you again.

When to Call Ex

So the best time to call? Mid-evening. Not too early, not too late. If you call any other time, you run the risk of your ex being busy. In the morning things are always crazy. During the day, your ex could be at work, or at school, or hanging out with friends. This makes it easy to ignore your call, or pretend they didn't get your text message.

At night, things are calmer. Your ex might be thinking about or even missing you. When darkness falls, things get nostalgic too. People are more vulnerable and susceptible... and open.

This is when your ex has both the time and inclination to talk to you. And if you haven't contacted your ex for a while? Communication on your part will actually be welcome.

Do things right, and your ex will already be wondering where you went. Maybe even who you've been with, and what you've been up to. At the very least, your former boyfriend or girlfriend will want to know what you have to say. Curiosity is powerful.

What to Say When You Call Your Ex

Calling is one thing... knowing to what say? That's quite another.

There is a list of subjects you can bring up when calling your ex for the first time. But no matter what you talk about, make sure you're relaxed.

Even more important, you want your ex relaxed as well. Make sure you're not accusatory. Don't even MENTION the breakup. Ask casually what your ex has been up to, and don't pry. Even if you're dying to know if your ex is dating someone else, or even playing around with the idea, the last thing you want to do is look like you called in desperation.

How to Act on the Phone When Talking For the First Time

Staying calm is crucial. The more easygoing and casual you can sound, the better the chance you'll make a good impression. You should sound happy to talk to your ex, but not overly excited. Think of how you'd act if an old friend called, and you were just catching up on things.

Here's another tip: get yourself a drink, or grab a small snack before talking to your ex for the first time since the breakup. Even the simple act of eating or drinking can make you seem more relaxed and easy going. It also makes it seem as if the call was an afterthought; you were already in the middle of something, but you decided on a whim to pick up the phone and give this person a call to see how they're doing.

Talking To Ex

Another good rule to always follow: MAKE THE CALL SHORT.

You don't want a long, drawn-out, awkward phone call with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. So keep it short, keep it simple, and keep it innocent.

And when you're ready, you want to be the one who ends the phone call with your ex.

This puts you in more of a position of power, and makes it seem like you have better things to do than continue talking to your former lover.

"Hey, sorry, but I have to run out right now. It was great talking to you though. Give me a shout if you wanna
catch up sometime. Cool?"

A signoff like this does a few things. First, you're 'running out', so you suddenly have this very mysterious place to go (because you didn't say what it was).

Second, you just showed that you're NOT desperate to talk to your ex because you were the one who ended the call. If you were still hung up over this person, you'd be dying to talk to them. Instead, you were anxious to move on with your day.

Finally, you told them to call you next time... without really telling them to do anything. You merely suggested it, but in such a way that your ex is likely to follow up. Why? Because you left them wanting more. You let them do most of the talking, and they got to ask very few of their own questions about what you're doing. Which seems oddly important, all of a sudden.

There are lots of other ways to handle contact, too. Text-messaging, emails, it's very likely these things will be methods your ex uses to communicate with you. Be prepared to know how to handle them, because each has it's own method when it comes to reconnecting emotionally.

Also, if you're not sure your boyfriend or girlfriend still loves you?

Check out this list of signs your ex still has feelings for you.

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